Amy must die

I knew as soon as Amy came down with the first set of sniffles that her germs would find their way to me. My wife is a magnet for any germs that venture within 100 miles and she always finds a way to share.

So when I came down with the cold that had hobbled me for the past several days, I knew what had to be done: Amy must die.

I plotted her demise in many ways during bouts with fever, nausea and a constantly dripping nose. I would chop her up in little pieces, bury most in various places on the property and leave a few pieces out for the bears, coyotes and bobcats.  The woods are thick around the house. No one would ever find her.

I’ve watched CSI, Criminal Minds and Bones. Any of these shows provide adequate education on how to kill, mutilate and destroy a loved one.  I concocted a couple of good cover stories: She went back to Illinois to live with an uncle or maybe she ran off with one of the guys who keeps hitting on her at bingo. People are always telling me they can’t understand why she stays with me. They will believe she left.

But she brought sushi home last night and the wasabi helped clear my sinuses.

So I will let her live.

For a little while longer.

Maybe.

October 30, 20084 CommentsRead More

By any other name…

At a benefit fundraiser Saturday night, I ran into an older woman with a sneer in her voice.

"I have a rule in elections," she said. "I don’t vote for anyone whose name I can’t pronounce."

"Oh," I asked, "McCain is that hard to pronounce?"

"I’m not talking about McCain," she sneered again. "I’m talking about the one with the un-American name."

The un-American name. Wow. In a nation founded by immigrants, I had to wonder: What’s an un-American name?

McCain is Gaelic – Scotch-Irish. Palin is English. Her descendents landed in England after the Norman conquest. Biden is another Scot.

That leaves Obama, the one with the African surname, the one the woman said had the "un-American name."

She’s just another honkie in the woodpile, spewing her racist venom: Don’t want no colored folks in the White House unless they’re mopping the floors and washing the dishes.

God. Such people make me want to vomit all over their lilly-while view of the world.

October 27, 200844 CommentsRead More

A new hangout for area bikers

Area motorcycle riders, particularly those who ride Harleys, have a new place to hang their helmets: New River Valley Harley Davidson in Christiansburg.

A branch of the Roanoke Harley dealership, NRVHD opened its doors last week. As of Thursday of this week, they’re still waiting for paperwork from the Commonwealth that will allow them to actually sell motorcycles but the service department, parts counter and accessories/clothing stores are open for business.

Rode my bike over Thursday to pay my respects, pick up a t-shirt and a couple of parts and ran into bikers from Christiansburg, Radford, Hillsville and Ocala, Florida.

Harley dealerships are often social gathering places as well as stores to load up your Visa with parts and fancy leather jackets. The Roanoke Valley Harley Owners Group (HOG) serves coffee and donuts to members and visiting bikers at the Roanoke dealership every Saturday from 8 -10 a.m. In Staunton, there are local Harley riders who spend nearly every Saturday and Sunday sitting on Shenandoah H-D’s massive front porch and strike up conversations with anyone who comes by. I sometimes wonder if they ride their bikes only from home to the dealer and back.

The new Harley dealer has a front porch but no tables on it yet and is located just off U.S. 11 on a hill next to Cracker Barrel, which means we all have a place to eat breakfast when we drop our bikes off for service.

October 24, 2008Comments OffRead More

A primer on rural living

"So," the visitor asks as he and his wife pour over real estate brochures and maps of Floyd County, "what’s life like around here?"

Sometimes, you’re tempted to lie and say life around here sucks. That way, the people looking to move here might decide to move elsewhere.

But this is the South and you want to be hospitible, so you tell the truth and they find a nice piece of property and maybe a house at a price that seems cheap where they come from but is downright expensive by our standards and another set of city dwellers pack up a moving van and come in search of a little piece of heaven in the country.

Then they start complaining about how Floyd doesn’t have this or that or they have to drive to Roanoke to find good Chinese.

It should be our civic duty to prepare city folk for life here in the hills.  A couple of years ago, I put together a questionnaire for folks considering a move to Southwestern Virginia.  Haven’t used it for a while so I pulled it out the other day.

Have you ever lived in a home with a well or septic system?

Do you have allergies?

Do bugs bother you? Spiders? Snakes? Coyotes? Bobcats? Bears?

Do you get midnight cravings for something to eat and want to dash out to the nearest 24-hour diner for a bite?

Is accessibility to shopping a priority?

Does the smell of manure offend you?

I’ve run these questions by a number of couples looking to relocate from the city to the country. Few have ever lived in a house with a septic system and don’t have the slightest idea how to care for one. Most have allergies, many scream at the site of spiders and snakes and one couple actually asked what manure smelled like. When I get answers like these I gently suggest their concept of country living lies elsewhere, like maybe Asheville, North Carolina.

Living in rural areas catches some newcomers by surprise. They don’t realize the grocery store might be a 30-minute drive or that they can’t drive into Floyd to find a blank DVD or a specific cable for their computer.

Got a hankering for Chinese food? Roanoke, Christiansburg or Hillsville.Movie? Same, unless you want to rent a DVD at the video store and watch one at home. Pizza delivery? Sorry dude. Late night dining? The last restaurant in town closes at 10 p.m. but you can pick up something to eat at Food Lion until 11.  Need a prescription filled on Sunday? Gotta find a chain store in Roanoke, Christiansburg or Hillsville.

There are trade offs to living in the country and some folks don’t take those trade offs into consideration before scrapping the urban life.  But they move anyway and then start complaining about how life here isn’t as civilized as it could be. Or they start saying things like "you know, life here would be perfect if we just had a (insert name of favorite urban convenience here)."

Maybe we should post a sign at the county line: Abandon all urban silliness when you enter here. This is the country and that’s the way we like it.

October 23, 20088 CommentsRead More